she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you will always have a special place in my vag
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
