Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
