I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
