This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
