I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
People in love make me want to vomit
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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