im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
