I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
