Operation Purity has been aborted
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
