I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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