I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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