I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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