i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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