"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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