I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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