God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
