My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
