Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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