The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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