he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
