does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
