Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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