I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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