how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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