ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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