i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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