I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
