i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she peed on how many people?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize