The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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