After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Terrible idea I love it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
