Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
