Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
