Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
