I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
