and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
