I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
