Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
