i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
