Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
