i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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