i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
