fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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