My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
