Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize