The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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