New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
