the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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