I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
