Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
