Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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