I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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