i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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