Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
did you just send me my own nude
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
