Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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