i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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