i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
